


sticks and stones may break my bones, and you can always hurt me

by ilovemygaydad



Category: Sander Sides, Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-05 08:53:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18825337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilovemygaydad/pseuds/ilovemygaydad
Summary: summary: patton needs to come out to his boyfriend, which may seem redundant, but it sure as hell isn’twarnings (read them because they are important): internal aphobia, mentions of abuse, panic attacks, lots of self hate, internal homophobia, mentions of corrective rape, mentions of verbal abuse, mentions of physical abuse, mentions of kissing, anger, threats, mentions of abusive relationships, lying, mentions of overdose, mentions of death, mentions of abusive families, crying, swearing, miscommunication, things are worded to make it seem like a fight but it isn’t, and possibly something else (let me know if something needs to be tagged)





	sticks and stones may break my bones, and you can always hurt me

Patton paced in front of the door to his apartment, wringing his hands. It was silly–he  _knew_  that he was being silly–yet his mind wouldn’t lend itself reprieve from the awful thoughts. But at the same time, he needed to prepare himself for all situations. Yes, he trusted Logan more than anyone else on the planet, but he was always told that he trusted too easy, and he’d been burned more often than he’d like to admit. There was no telling what could happen when the truth came out; all he could do was hope that it wouldn’t be one of the worse options.

Like, he really hoped that Logan wouldn’t get mad and say, “so you were leading me on for  _three years_?!” Or that he wouldn’t tell him that asexuality doesn’t exist, and that Patton needs to get over himself and grow up–which was honestly likely seeing as Patton was always called childish. And he  _really_  hoped that Logan wouldn’t try–try to–

He just  _hoped_. That was all that he could do because he didn’t have time to put off coming out any longer. When Logan had first started dating Patton, he’d just escaped a physically abusive relation, and he was still relearning where his boundaries were. Selfishly, Patton was happy that Logan had given him the perfect excuse to never need to say that he was asexual, but the time had come when Logan had become comfortable with himself and would inevitably want to go further. And it wasn’t fair to either of them for Patton to hide behind a mask.

Patton ran his hands down his face. He could do this. All he needed was another few minutes to prepare, and he’d march right into his apartment and–

The door to the apartment swung open, and Patton screeched in horror as Logan’s head peeked out.

“Patton, dear, why are you pacing outside of our apartment? Did you get locked out?”

The man in question opened his mouth to answer his boyfriend, but instead blurted out, “I’m asexual. I’m never going to want to have sex with you. I’m so sorry for leading you on, and I know I’m being ridiculous–I really do–but please just–I just–I can’t keep lying to you. I know that you’re probably really upset, which is fair, but–”

“Patton–”

“I love you so much, and I don’t–”

“ _Patton!_ ” Logan cried, and Patton’s mouth snapped shut immediately. “Oh, god, Patton.”

And Logan was… laughing for some reason.

“Wh-Why are you laughing?”

Logan wheezed and gently rubbed at his eyes as he attempted to pull himself together. “I apologize. This is a very serious moment, and I shouldn’t be laughing, but I just–me too.”

“Me too… what?” Patton asked, tilting his head in confusion.

“I’m asexual.”

The puzzle pieces all fell into place before Patton’s eyes. “Oh,” he said plainly.

It certainly made sense. Logan hadn’t given many details of his previous relationships, but Patton knew that they all ended with a nasty breakup. With the last boyfriend, Logan had said that he’d physically abused him to the point that he had to get a therapist and spend time in the hospital. It had been made very clear from the beginning that Logan would be the one to set the pace of the relationship as he continued to heal, which was completely fine with both parties. For a long time, he didn’t even want to be touched, and he refused to watch many mainstream movies rated above PG because they had content that was “highly uncomfortable” for him to watch. Short kisses were preferred, and cuddling took over a year to be introduced in their relationship.

“‘Oh’ indeed,” Logan chuckled. He gently took Patton’s hand and began to lead him into their apartment. “Now that we have the air cleared, why were you standing outside of our apartment? Why not come inside?”

Patton stiffened, and it took every ounce of control in his body not to tear himself away from Logan. “It’s nothing, sweetheart. I was just caught up in my thoughts.”

“Falsehood. What’s wrong?” Logan turned Patton so they were facing each other, so Patton put on his sunniest smile before responding.

“Really, it’s nothing. Just some things at work that I need to remember to do.”

Logan’s lips turned down at the corners. “Patton, I have multiple degrees in psychology, and your body language and blatant lying suggest that you aren’t okay.” His eyes turned pleading. “Please, tell me what’s bothering you.”

“I…”

What the hell was he supposed to tell Logan? ‘ _Well, I was worried that you’d hate me or break up with me or rape me when I came out to you as asexual, but it’s no big deal! Let’s go make dinner together because that’s what couples who trust and love each other do’_? Yeah, because that would be a  _great_  way to end the evening. On the curb not because his partner didn’t accept his sexuality, but because Patton was too untrusting to think that Logan wouldn’t pull something when he came out.

Patton was weak and pathetic and just didn’t deserve love. That much was obvious from the horrible deck that he was dealt. Asexuality and gayness and mental health issues and stupidity and poor judgement. His life was meant to end in a ditch, overdosing on alcohol because he couldn’t trust the one good man that he’d found. Maybe, all those years back, his parents were right to throw him out as soon as he turned eighteen because they  _knew_  that their son was destined for an early grave, and it’d be so much easier to just start fresh with their problem child being little more than a distant memory.

“…Pat…atton are…kay…?”

 _Huh_ , Patton thought as the world slowly refocused.  _Logan looks upset._

“…need you to…with me…aving…panic attack…”

_Panic attack._

Oh.

He was having a panic attack.

“…four, sev…eight…just like th…you’re doing great…”

After a few minutes of breathing exercises, Patton had regained his ability to see and hear properly. At some point, Logan had lowered them to the ground so they were sitting in the middle of the floor. Patton picked at the skin around his nails. He didn’t want to look at Logan’s face.

“Do you want to tell me what got you so upset? You don’t have to, and I’m certainly not going to force you; I just wish to know so that I may avoid it in the future, okay?” Logan asked in the same soft, quiet voice that he used on his nephews.

“Don’ tr’s you,” Patton mumbled in response, eliciting a sigh from Logan.

“Would you please repeat that?”

“I don’ trust you.”

“Don’t trust me about what?”

Patton moved his gaze to where the floor met the wall. “I thought you were gonna hurt me or somethin’ ‘cause ‘m ace.”

“I see.” Logan’s voice had gone clinically cold–so much so that Patton’s eyes snapped up to Logan’s face. His facial features looked calm at a glance, but the miniscule twitch of his right eyebrow and slightly clenched jaw betrayed the cool façade and exposed the true anger he was feeling.

“‘m sorry. Gimme a day, and ‘ll get my stuff out ‘f the apartment. I just need time to find a place–”

“Who hurt you?”

Patton’s mouth hung open in shock for a few moments before he choked out a tiny, “what?”

“Who hurt you to make you fear that I would do something so god-awful to you because of your sexuality? How many times has this happened in the past?” Logan’s voice echoed down the hallway as his volume rose. “Who did this to you?”

“Lo, we don’t–it’s not a big deal–”

“Not a big deal?!” Logan cried in frustration and anger. “Of fucking  _course_  it’s a big deal, Patton! It’s a big deal because neither you nor I should feel as though we’re going to be assaulted for coming out. We don’t deserve to have to be scared because we’re good people. You are one of the kindest, trusting people that I know, and somebody along the way fucked you up so badly that you became afraid to take both feet out of the closet!”

“I’m sorry,” Patton whispered, hunching in on himself as tears welled up in his eyes.

“No, wait–damn it–I didn’t–hold on. I’m not mad at you. I swear, honey; I’m not. Just–can I hug you?”

Patton gently nodded his head, and Logan quickly pulled him into his arms.

“I could never be mad at you, okay? I’m just so angry at the people who hurt us along the way. It isn’t fair that the fear has become so normal to us.”

“I know,” Patton murmured into Logan’s shirt.

“I’m going to track down anyone who hurt you and beat them up.”

That forced a tiny smile out of Patton. “I don’t think that’s allowed, Lo.”

“I don’t give a damn. I’m going to do it.”

“Okay, hon.” Patton snuggled closer. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”


End file.
